(Sook Gung, you're not going to become too excited about this one.)
Caution: Do Not Read While Eating… Or If You Don’t Like Reading About Poop
Neftchala has never been a popular gathering place for PCVs. For one thing, Neftçala translates to Oil Pit which does not appease to anyone’s desire unless you’re Tony Hayward of BP. It is also, what my host mom calls, a “dead end” geographically (although she means metaphorically as well) as you have to pass through the desert sands of Salyan in order to “keç” (cross) over. The Neftçala mashruts don’t even leave from the normal Titanic vağzal. (The main bus station in Baku is modeled after the Titanic. It literally looks like a ship on land.) You have to travel across Baku to the Sederek Ticaret (a huge market), another horrible place where they hustle you to sell things. (No wait, that’s only if you’re me/look like me as “all Asians do.”) However, there has never been a better time to visit Neftchala. This good fortune can be attributed to many factors, not excluding more winning personalities in this town than has been seen thus far in PC AZ history. So without further a due, I’d like to tell you about… America.
America is, no, not the country of coffee, avocados, bacon, real showers, driving cars, short-shorts, Dairy Queen, and anything-but-Xan based drinks. America is my dining room. America is on Heydar Aliyev Prosp. Bine 5b Apt. 36. America has, for starters BBC, Al Jazeera in English, and another French News Channel in English. Not to mention a sometimes working Disney Channel with which you can fantasize about the Jonas Brothers to your greatest delight. (I’m pretty sure they’re all legal. Maybe we should clarify on the youngest one because he’s the most qesheng (cute) anyways.) There is also internet in this room. Currently, just at dial up but it’s a dial up with unheard of speediness; fast enough to skype without video. And if I haven’t convinced you enough yet, I have in my America, the most coveted item of a PCV’s service in this country: AIR CONDITIONING. That’s right folks. Salamelekum America-stan!
Of course, this paradise does not come without a price. There are the typical, but apartment specific water issues and right across the hallway of America-stan is… Azerbaijan: the tualet.
Two weeks ago, I housed a few girls who came to help with camp. One of the girls, who shall remain nameless immediately landed between my couch in America and the tualet in Azerbaijan due to dysentery issues. Three days were spent making the treacherous journey between the two nations. My poor little tualet. However, it does not end there. That week in the bazaar we found lettuce. Real lettuce. (Another reason to come to Neftçala.) The only bad thing about finding this lettuce in the bazaar is finding the lettuce the next day in the tualet. Let me just say that 6 girls eating more fiber than they had in 8 months made the trek to my little Azerbaijan a popular one. In addition, one of the girls was eating a crap ton of American fiber bars (pun intended) and another who already had shifty bowel movements before she came. Needless to say, the week’s biggest conversation topic… actually it was the second biggest, was about poop.
I come from a big poop conversation family as they all see it as an important health indicator so it’s nothing unusual for me to talk about the outings of your body in a social manner. (Let me further this statement by pointing out that I’m even writing an article about it.) However I do realize that most people don’t consider this kind of openness the greatest in good conduct. But my argument is, once you become a PCV, it must become important. Since coming to this country, the very way in which you have to position your body changes, not to mention your diet, stress levels, time difference, deciding between toilet paper or water canister, and of course, squatter or Westie! I know that some of you might feel embarrassed or scoff at all this poop talk, but I have to be honest here and say I feel antsy when I don’t have a good go every morning for two reasons. 1. Because I don’t know where I’ll be when I do need to go (I refuse to touch my school’s bathroom with a twenty foot pole) and if I’ll have toilet paper or not. And 2. Because I know something is wrong with my body. So in conclusion, don’t diss the poop talk. It’s important. And if you do plan on taking a little vacation to my America, bringing a little Russian Drain-o would be nice. My little Azerbaijan has never been the same since the discovery of lettuce.
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